Jehovah’s Come’a Calling

We’ve all had those knocks at the door. Most of my friends and family have developed specific tactics to avoid said Jehovah’s house calls, playing loud thrash metal, pretending to have spontaneously combusted or as some of my forefathers have done; proclaimed their allegiance to the dark lord very obnoxiously in cape as they answer the door. I don’t know what came over me, I might have just come over more British than normal or it may have been the sickness bug i’d been nursing for the fifth day, but I decided to have a chat with the laddies and listen to what they had to say whilst doing the i’m trying not to shit myself dance.

Strangely enough the two of them weren’t nearly as pushy as I was expecting, I may have just been to used to overly aggressive door to door window salesmen or pushy charity chuggers and was expecting more of the same polished shoes and slicked back hair tactics. Strangely the pair were more like the old girls you bump into at bus stops or outside public toilets and get stuck talking about the migrant population as you slowly nod waiting for your partner to return and try to ignore the casual racism. Friendly but frustrating as two completely differing world views collide with no hope of reconciling with each other. I think I did have a slight naïve hope that I could convert them to the path of rampant  scepticism.

Being very British I tried to explain the difference between agnostic and atheist when they asked me if I was of a faith. Maybe that’s why I gave them the time of day in the first place, butting my oh so proud on the fence religious status to the test so to speak. which was more to appease my own ego, as a way to prove i’m as open and tolerant to different beliefs as I pretend to be. Although that was put to the test when they started talking about their belief that the end times were coming, backed up with the informative leaflet of scripture quotes prophisizing Armageddon.

I think the moment I found the funniest was when they said “well everyone wants eternal life right?”, to which I promptly answered “fuck no!” After having spent 3 days off sick and accomplished little but having finished the first season of Calfornication, the idea of infinite time to fill with jack-shit seemed more like my own personal hell than a reward to the faithful. although it did make me wonder if that was the main allure to religion and why I seemed immune to its charms. The idea of believing in what comes after death just makes me feel slightly greasy, a bit like knowing your parents have had sex, you know its happened and will again but you’d rather not confront the idea unless you absolutely have to.

Ok, I may joke and I’ll be no closer to choosing the path of Jehovah after the knock on the door that I was before, but would I ignore another knock on the door? Probably not. I’m very aware that as an agnostic I have to practice what I preach just as the witnesses that knocked on my door did, and I have to admit I enjoy the smugness of getting to listen to every side of the argument and then simply say that I think everyone is probably wrong including me. I’ll try to never dismiss others beliefs and ideas, even if I think they are slightly mad for actively hoping for the end of days.

I criticise but here I am trying to convert you to my personal belief, perfectly aware of my own hypocrisy and only slightly revelling in it.

Join the fence, hear all trust nothing.

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